Who am I competing with?

I was brought up in a Chinese school since I was 5. I have always been exposed to the culture of competition. Each time, I receive my results for my exams, I would immediately look to my left, then to the right. I have been doing this ever since. Whenever someone got better results than I did, I will feel so much hatred to that person and to myself, hatred to the person because he/she did better than me and hatred towards myself because I think that I could have done better. I have always strived and worked very hard to achieve what I have achieved. When I was in year 6, I remember getting second place in class and I was not very pleased as I have lost to my least favourite person in class. Anyhow, I don’t think I actually did very well in UPSR.

Then came secondary school. This time, I was put in a national school and was placed in an average class. I hated it at first due to the difference in culturebut I slowly started to adapt. I became a slacker and procrastinator. This was when I lost my competitive nature. But then came form 4, when I was put in a class filled with all the smart people I know, people who are constantly getting 100% for their add math paper. I felt very left out and neglected in that class and because everyone is getting good results, I started to push myself even harder than before. I forced myself to study very hard. But I realized, the more I force myself, the more I hate myself. I hate the fact that I could not obtain good results and I hate the fact that I think some of the teachers think that I am stupid and pure dumb. It felt like I was being bullied by smart giants and I was just a mere stupid dwarf .I hate the fact that whenever my friends got better results than me and start complaining about how bad they did, I feel so small, so tiny. It’s like I could not live up to a certain standard.  I started to feel so pressured that I cried every day. I questioned God everyday and ask him why am I stupid, why can’t I be like the others or even why didn’t I inherit my father’s brains. The more I did that, the more I felt angry. I cry everyday because I felt like I have disappointed everyone around me. All of my family members are always telling me to study hard and obtain good results and here I am getting my Bs and Cs.

I started to compete again. Am I competing with my classmates? Am I competing with my relatives? The answer is, all these times I have been competing with MYSELF. I was the one responsible for pushing myself hard and I was the one giving harsh words to myself whenever I did badly. I have been calling myself a useless piece of shit.  Why was I doing this to myself. It really hurt me, I felt very hurt. I even consulted a psychiatrist to deal with my issues.I consider myself lucky that my parents do not expect a lot from me even if I am the only child. They even said that I should not put too much pressure on myself like that.  Now there is only less than a month till SPM and I have just realized that I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself. I am crying now while typing this. I am lost, I do not know what to do My hands are shaking shaking vigorously. I CAN NEVER BE LIKE THEM, I CAN NEVER BE LIKE HIM and I CAN NEVER BE LIKE HER, that’s what I feel like screaming out loud. Although till now I am unable accept it, but eventually I still have to. I have to find a way to accept the fact that I am NOT SMART, NOT INTELLIGENT. No I am not sad now because I know I am gifted in something else, it’s just that God has decided to reveal it to me later. It may take 10 or 20 years but I am confident that something in this world needs me in some field. I am still feeling very pressured by SPM because I know I did badly for my trials. But once again, WHO AM I COMPETING WITH this time?